Lean In Ministries, Inc.
Lean In Ministries, Inc. is a registered 501(c)(3) IRS tax-exempt nonprofit missions organization. All gifts are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law. Tax ID (EIN) 93-2123010.
My story. His Story.
By long time trip member, James Cloud
This is a story of God's grace, mercy, and love. To Him be the glory.
I was born in Houston, Texas on Thanksgiving Day in 1977. I was a turkey baby. Growing up we never went to church. There was never any talk of God or Jesus that I could recall. What I do remember is a lot of cussing, yelling and fighting between my mom and dad. It was chaos. The very first memory that I have as a child is my dad coming home with a gun, putting my mom’s head through a window of the garage apartment that we lived in and dragging her into the bedroom. I heard lots of screaming. My great-grandfather showed up and got into the bedroom and broke it up. Years later I found out that my mom had cheated on my dad and he had found out. They always fought and yelled. I can remember hiding under the kitchen table sometimes when they would fight. The thing is I was always “daddy’s boy” so a lot of the times my mom would kick my dad out of the house and it would crush me. I remember times when this would happen, I would run to my great-grandparents' house next door screaming and crying that “daddy is leaving and not coming back” which happened quite often. My parents liked to drink and party. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom drank and used pills.
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We moved to Porter off 1314 when I was in the first grade. My great-grandfather gave us land and built a house for us. I loved it. My brother and I grew up in a great neighborhood with lots of kids. We would play in the neighborhood, ride our bikes everywhere and play lots of basketball. My dad had put a goal up at our house and I fell in love with basketball. I practiced all the time and played as much as possible. It took me away from the chaos in my house. As I got older my mom finally let me play football in 6th grade and I couldn't get enough of it. Football was number 1 now. I ran faster than anyone and could catch anything. There was something about scoring touchdowns. It was the greatest feeling ever. It made me feel important. People cheered and clapped for me, even my parents did at that point. Over the years things really just got worse between my mom and dad. I remember standing up to my dad one night telling him that he needed to leave.
He was cussing at my mom and breaking things; it was bad. My parents ended up divorcing when I was twelve years old. My brother and I lived with my mom in Porter. Growing up I needed love and guidance and I never really got that from my parents. After the divorce my mom had many men come in and out of the house. She stayed high on pills, went out partying and stayed in bed a lot. My dad would show up sometimes to take my brother and I out to eat, give us $20 and talk bad about my mom. He would ask questions like “do you like your new dad”? No love, no guidance, no affection. Sometimes my mom would disappear and be gone for days. I found out later that some of those times she was in jail. Most of the time we were left to take care of ourselves. Abandoned physically and emotionally.
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As I got into high school, I was an athlete and popular. I made varsity basketball & football as a sophomore. I had plenty of friends and attention from girls but still felt lost, angry, lonely and unloved. I started going to parties, drinking, sleeping around and started using drugs. I wanted to numb the pain and escape the reality that I wasn’t loved. Deep down inside I felt worthless. By my senior year I was an alcoholic and used ecstasy and acid. I was the star wide receiver and getting letters from colleges to come play football. All I wanted was for my parents to be proud of me. My dad would show up for games most of the time. My mom had stopped coming to my games after my freshman year. My last senior home football game they celebrated the seniors. You walk on the field with your mom & give her a rose & they call your name out. My mom wasn’t there. The coach walked with me. It was embarrassing. I felt like a worthless piece of trash. My mom did show up later, high on pills and got in a fight with my dad. Once I played my last football game I was pretty much done with school. I didn’t even graduate high school.
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After high school my uncle got me a job at Baker Oil Tools. I got an apartment with a friend. I worked hard and partied hard. There were lots and lots of drinking, girls and strip clubs. One night I met this beautiful girl, Jennifer, and her friends. We exchanged numbers and would hang out on the weekends. We were friends for a while and then started dating. Jennifer had grown up in the church but had gotten away from it. We went dancing all the time. We spent a lot of time together. I drank a lot, we fought a lot and I cheated on Jennifer a lot. I was so angry and still hurt from the feeling of abandonment. Jennifer got pregnant pretty quick, but I didn’t want to be a dad. I wanted to keep partying. So being the great guy that I was I told her that I would pay for the abortion. She quickly responded, “I don’t believe in that”. We broke up a lot and there was a lot of back and forth. Our son was born and I cut the cord. That didn’t change me or bring us together.
At this point I am an alcoholic and using coke on a regular basis. My life was out of control. I was fighting, stealing and gotten a DWI. I ended up with 6 felonies spread out between two counties. I ended up in prison. Jenn would bring our son up to see me when she would come to visit. The only good thing that happened while I was in prison is that I got my GED. Because I did that, I was able to get the job that I have now as an elevator mechanic. Jennifer wrote to me and sent me money. She got an apartment when I was locked up and when I got out, I moved in with her. You would think that would be happily ever after but it wasn’t. I was still angry, lost, unloved, abandoned, an alcoholic and a cocaine addict. Sometimes I would be gone on binges for days. Jennifer would stay up all night waiting for me to come home, looking out the window wondering where I was and if I was coming home. I would mess up, get kicked out and work myself back in the house with lies. It was a revolving door. We would fight and our son would hide under the table just like I did when I was a kid. Our house was chaos just like the house was when I was growing up. Then one night I used meth with some friends, and I was addicted after the first use. I felt like superman. Able to leap small buildings in a single bound. It helped me escape the reality of who I was. At first, I used a little bit and then it became a $400 a week habit. Now when Jenn would kick me out, I was happy because I could just go use. Meth is all I thought about and I lied, cheated and stole to get it. At one point I was 170 lbs., alcoholic, meth and coke addict with no hope and no purpose that was digging my own grave. I also had a pornography addiction on top of that. I had found my dad’s porn magazines when I was about eight years old. Me and my brother and the neighborhood kids would sneak them and look at them. My mom would catch me sometimes looking at them and I would get in trouble, not my dad for having them. My mom and dad never had the birds and bees talk with me ever. I learned from the porn magazines/movies. I do remember asking my mom questions about sex that I saw in the magazines and she said “that’s not real sex”. This was the beginning of my porn, sex and lust addiction. This followed me throughout my life. My drug and alcohol addiction keep growing. It felt like I had a thousand-pound gorilla on my back and he was hungry 24/7. I was so lost. I used everything and everyone in my life. It took the pain away. I didn’t want to face reality. I couldn’t even look anyone in the face. I was ashamed of who I was.
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You remember I said my wife grew up in the church but got away from it. She felt something pulling her back. Proverbs 22:6 says Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will never depart from it. Jenn went back to church and started praying for me and for us. She would go to church on Sunday and take our son. I would use meth when they left and would leave before they got home. I really feel like I was close to death at this point. I almost overdosed one night on meth and coke. I had both so why not use both right? Jennifer called an ambulance, and I was taken to the hospital. They basically told me to stop using drugs. I got to the point where I was just tired. Tired of using and tired of lying. I did try quitting myself. I took vacation one time to detox from meth. Jenn took off also to take care of me. I laid in bed for a week in pain and slept. I was sober for two weeks and then relapsed. I also tried rehab that my job paid for. I would leave rehab and go drinking. I would get a couple weeks sobriety here and there and then would relapse. Nothing worked. Jennifer had gotten pregnant with our second son. I came home after a binge, and she met me at the door and basically told me that’s it we are done. You're not going to be around for this child. You are going to be dead or back in prison.
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I told her I would start going to church, really just to stay in the house. I went and hated it. I thought the people were weird. Why do they hold their hands up, why do they keep standing up and sitting down? I just wanted to hurry up and get home to watch football. Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. God was near me. I kept coming, got some sobriety, bought a Bible and started reading it. When I would come to church it felt like the pastor was talking directly to me. I had been living in the shadow world, but I was starting to step into the light. I got more sobriety and kept coming. They kept talking about Jesus. How He was the son of God and He was sent to the world to save the lost. He was born of a virgin and walked a sinless life. He performed many miracles, healed the blind, aloud the lame to walk and brought the dead to life. These miracles proved He was the son of God. He was put on a cross and died for my sins (our sins). Then rose three days later and claimed victory over sin and death. He died for me because He loved me. I had never felt loved. I was abandoned. He took my place. I deserved death. I am a sinner. I have hurt people. I have used people. I have done bad things. How could He have died for me? Romans 5:8 says But God shows His love for us that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. One night God opened my eyes to His goodness and love for me. I gave my life to Jesus. He brought me from death to life. I am LOVED by the father, my heavenly father. He will never leave me nor forsake me. John 10:10 says The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. The thief killed, stole and destroyed my life for so long. Now I have ABUNDANT LIFE IN JESUS!!! He has given me joy, hope and a purpose in Him. I can be the husband and father that God calls me to be and that my family needs me to be. Today Jennifer and I are married with four beautiful boys. God restored us and our marriage. I am fourteen years sober from drugs and alcohol. Praise God for that!!! Joel 2:25 says I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten.
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God has a great plan for my life to make Him known. I have been able to serve in many different ministries as well as go on mission trips to different parts of the world like South Asia and Peru. I want to be a part in God’s plan NOT apart from God’s plan. So often my wife and I look at each other and say “look what God did”. He turned a mess into a miracle. That is what He does. Mark 10:27 says With man it is impossible but with God All things are possible. God did the impossible in my life. I was dead but now I am alive. Romans 8:1-2 says So, now there is no condemnation for those to belong to Christ Jesus. And if you belong to Him the power of His life giving spirit has freed you too from the power of sin that leads to death. I belong to Jesus. I am free, forgiven and loved.